Black Swan = epic thinspo

I’m going to use this post just to emphasize how amazing Black Swan is!
I just finished watching it and I’m totally watching it again. Natalie Portman was amazing! I don’t think I can put into words how great this movie is, it’s a must see (20x minimum!).

Beautiful & Elegant

And tiny…

Where d' you go?

What the fuck is Rozy doing here again?

Yeah, I know, right?...

Well, to be honest it might have had something to do with going through a slight busy period but it had a lot to do with the fact I lost Ash Cloud!

Have any of you heard anything about her? How she's doing?

I have this awkward feeling I might have had something to do with her disappearing. I gave her some advice that wasn't very pro-ana, very 'go for happiness/recovery'-oriented, so I don't know if that kind of pissed/scared her off...

Ugh, I just hope she's okay...her last post was pretty desperate.

In any case, I think I'm back (?)

I've been doing great, I'm really happy and I've been losing weight super slowly, don't know how much I've lost but I can tell by my clothes that I look better.

I'm in again, I just want to keep track of the disappearance of these last ugly pounds!

2 days left!

I think I’m gonna barf… and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I haven’t binged or broken my fast in any way – so yay for me! I’ve got two days left and I’m gonna make it. The only thing that went ‘differently’ today is that I drank a FUCKLOAD of diet soda, which is basically the reason I think I’m about to barf... Seriously, 3 litres! But it’s low calorie (30cals in total for that little indulgence). I don’t think that counts as breaking a fast really..

Oh and I have to say that it’s thanks to these tips by Almost Skinny Vegan, that I’ve survived so far! I swear, if it wasn’t for the frozen apple juice I’ve been licking, I’d be bingeing on something. It may sound crazy, but that little bit of sugar really helps! I want to try finding some forms so I can make them into proper popsicles!

Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve added some tabs:

Why is Rozy fat? – is basically an ‘about me’

The (current) Skinny Plan – is the diet I’m on currently

I’ve also changed the side bar a bit – I’ve added rewards and I’ve switched weekly goals to STATS.

Don’t have much else to say really… I’m gonna go work on a exercise plan now. I’ll post it, alongside my diet plan, as soon as I’ve finished the fast.

I’m kind of frustrated about the fast though, because this is the first time I’ve fasted and not gotten a flat stomach. Of course, I’ve never been this fat, but still. It’s only common sense that’s keeping me strong – I HAVE to lose weight. It’s not possible that I’ll be the same weight if I keep this up. But I wouldn’t be able to tell that from looking in the mirror… fucking mirror…

I’ve also been doing the opposite of what is typically Ana! Instead of buying clothes that are too small, I’ve been buying clothes that are too big! xD Not because I’m trying to grow into them (fuck that shit – HELL NO!). It’s just because:

• Bigger clothes make you look thinner (if done well).
• I have a closet full of small clothes which I don’t fit already!
• I don’t really have clothes that look good on me now and if I look bad I’m depressed and if I’m depressed I binge.

I’m trying to keep myself happy, it seems to be the best weight loss motivation for me.

 

Much love to you girls!

xxx

Rozy

P.S. This means 2 more days before I force myself onto the scale again!!! I don’t wanna… do I have to?… Is there actually an official phobia of scales? … just googled it, not that I can find… but there should be!!!

Yes, it IS me.

Just thought I'd do a quick post to update you about my 'name change'

I switched my display name from SkinnyRose to Rozy. I sign off with Rozy anyway and I feel as though I should keep the 'Skinny'-title, for when I actually AM skinny.. I mean it's like preemptively calling yourself Mrs...
So if 'Rozy' comments... IT'S ME! :D

xxx

Thinspo | Sad

As you can see from my title, there is an obvious line between thinspo and sad. And ‘The Machinist’, my friends, has crossed the line into sad by far!

And I don’t mean this in a negative way, absolutely not – I really enjoyed that movie. But damn, it was sad, made me tear up. Yeah, okay Christian Bale was skinny, but it didn’t make me think: “Whoa, I want to be skinny!” it didn’t inspire me to starve. If anything, it made me think ‘This must be what it feels like to see someone you care about whither away’…

And let’s not forget it’s SUCH A WASTE of a hot actor!!!

I think this kind of reminded me not to go overboard (not that I need to worry my fat ass about that now). So before I go one, cuties, I got to say: stay safe and don’t overdo it!

Much love <3

Now onto the regular stuff…

As I was re-reading my last post, I noticed it was a week since I’ve posted… A WEEK! And what have I done? Jack shit! Yes, you heard me! Jack shit! Not Fred shit, Johnny shit or Abraham shit – Jack shit! (I know, I’m not funny… laugh anyway).

I really couldn’t bear it to post until I’d had one good day though. And today would be that day (fingers crossed, don’t want to jinx it). The last couple days I’ve been doing well until the evening, but then I’d always find some excuse to binge. NOT TODAY!

I only had tea and water today (and a sip of diet coke), so I’ve done fabulously, if I do say so myself.

Almost Skinny Vegan’s Fasting tips have been great, so I’d advise anyone who’s been on/off to check them out, they really helped me out.

I’ve made a few changes. I’m gonna wear ‘x’ number of bracelets, ‘x’ being the number of days I’m fasting. I’m allowed to take off one bracelet on the morning AFTER the fast. But I’m changing it to a 6 day fast, which coincides with the 71-goal. I should reach it. If I’m 75 right now (assuming the worst), I should will lose 4kg by Friday. And I’m making a schedule every evening or morning, because when I have free time, I obviously can’t handle it and start to eat!

And I’ve decided to measure! Just not the things you regularly measure. I’ve decided to measure my calves! It’s one of those things you never really think of (unless you’re crazy fat like me). But now that it’s getting to be boot-season and all, it’s really nasty when your boots feel tight around your calves. I measured mine and.. ugh…

41cm (FUCKIN SHIT!!! That’s 5 cm smaller than my thighs were at their lowest point. It’s bigger than some catwalk models thighs are now!!! I just tightened the measuring tape and I figure that 35cm should be a good aim.)

I’m also adding a list of rewards to the sidebar…

Responses to your lovely comments:

HarleyHeartsAna: Thanks, even though I’ve been on a binge, I’ve been angry enough to work out. So I guess that evens the score :P

Viulu: Actually, it makes me a bit happier to know he’s holding juice and not milk. Even before I was vegan, milk made me gag…

Shout out to my soul mate, Ash! I’m back

Alice D & Bonesarepure: I say: “Feel the Anger! Feel the Burn!” I’m sure fat isn’t anger-resistant :D

Liz: I hadn’t seen angry thinspo either, but Ash kind of provided in that post of hers! I don’t know if you’ve heard of prettythin.com, but they had a section with bitchspo, which was kind of angry…

Gaia Andre: Thanks, hun. You’ll like it even more now that I’m posting again, I hope xD

Almost.Skinny: I’m over it now and thanks again for the tips! xx

Now, I’m gonna go catch up with your blogs and comment like a good girl should ^^

xxx

Rozy

I’m fuckin’ pissed… and that’s a good thing.

Yesterday my dilemma was, should I go out to eat with my dad, but today he solved that for me by being a complete asshole. I’m not gonna bitch about what happened, cause that’s not really important, but he ticked me off and now I don’t see why I should go out with them. We’re not even that close, it’s more my mom who would feel sad if I didn’t go, but she’ll live.
So – problem solved!
AND as you may already know, there’s no motivation like angry motivation. When I’m pissed, I’m never hungry and I exercise more – it’s a very constructive way to vent.

I was looking for some angry thinspo (wtf?), but I couldn’t find it, so here’s this…

and here’s some more, because personally I don’t think that pics all that great.
(Nothing says angry like metal right?)
(Or scene… ps. is that milk he’s holding? wtf?)

And I just want to thank you all again for your support yesterday, your comments really mean a lot to me!
Thank you for all your suggestions, if I DO end up going (which I can't imagine), I will try and take the healthies option possible (there are always salads, right?). I'm gonna make sure I'm following all of your blogs too, it's only natural to care about those who care about you ^^

Love,
Rozy

JUST SAY NO!

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, which means we're going out for food... I DONT'FUCKING WANT FOOD!!!

I'm just gonna make up some excuse about not going "I'm busy" "I'm feeling ill" whatever, cause if I go, I'm gonna eat and I'm NOT going to be happy.

Didn't take the pics yet, sorry, will do it soon and I'll also weigh myself monday,  yeah, I know, putting it off, but I just want to see a DECREASE!! on that fucking thing...

Okay, this may not have been the most usefl post ever, but I just wanted to update you and I also wanted to put it out there that I'm NOT EATING OUT TOMORROW! If I write it here, I'll have to stick to it...

I'm feeling shite today....

So here's a pic to pick me up (ugh, even word-jokes aren't doin' it for me today...)

Juicy Yoga Break

Morning:

• Lemon tea
• Yoga + exercises (40 mins max)
• Juice

Afternoon:

• Tea

Evening:

• Thinspo
• Beauty treatment
• (to keep strong against the cravings!)
• Tea

Is this good news or bad news?

Today was weigh in and… I weighed in.

First of all, let me laugh at myself for ever thinking I would weigh less than 160…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Okay, now that I’m done with laughing at myself, I’m sure you’d all like to know what number the scale slapped in my face…

167!!!

 

I used a bigger font to emphasize the immensity of this number, although I think the number speaks for itself (of course it does, a number that big not only has a voice, it has fucking fingers it can point to better laugh at me!)

 

Bye now, I’m going to dig a hole where I can lay in for eternity…

---------------------------

Oh yeah, there was a bright side to this news… (ever the optimist).

The GOOD news is that I weigh 167 – confusing, non?

Let me explain.

I was Ana and I was Mia – it was NOT fun. I’m not Ana anymore (duh, fatness…) or Mia, both of which I’m happy about. Anyone who’s been either knows it’s not a GOOD thing. You’re constantly depressed, the only thing that makes you smile is knowing you’re getting skinnier. You have no energy, no will to live, no interest in doing anything but losing weight.

I DON’T EVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT!

Though my weightloss methods aren’t orthodox, I am NOT BFF with ED anymore, nor do I plan to be.

Being 167 is good because I thought I weighed less, I didn’t feel fat obese. I know that a year ago, I felt obese at 125.

It’s good news, because this emphasizes that I was thin at 117. It’s good news because it means I can be healthy AND “skinny”. I won’t adjust my goal once I get to 117. I will no longer think that I need to be under 100 to be happy.

--------------------------

I changed up my blog a bit. Now you can see the people I follow and my weekly goals (+current weight). Also I’ve added a bar with my current diet/workout plan.

In september I took a pic of myself, so that I could see my progress. I’m going to take another picture today. I’ll post it today or tomorrow, so you guys can see my progress too. I actually really wanted to NOT take a picture, but if I don’t, I know I won’t be motivated enough, if you guys can see how I’m doing, I won’t want to let you down, so I’ll be more successful…

Oh and another up-side to being so fat – I won’t buy new clothes!!! I’m broke anyway, so I guess that’s good :P (fat humour – laugh!)

----------------------

Point is, I’m not giving up! I will make it to my goal and I won’t use any extreme methods (well, extreme for my standards).

I’ll post my diet in a few minutes.

 

Thanks for following me, guys (8 followers makes me happy :D), you’re my rock.

 

Love you all, dolls!

xxx

Rozy

Silencing the voices

It’s finally starting to work. I think I killed the voices in my head.

Until now, I’ve messed up a whole year in which I should have been losing weight. But for the first time in a VERY long time, I’ve stuck to a diet for 4 days.

Sunday I fasted, I wasn’t hungry or tempted. Monday, I drank juice and had some veggies and even though it wasn’t part of the original plan, I didn’t freak out. I just ignored it.

I’ve noticed that is the best thing to do. If you “acknowledge” you’ve failed, you’re so likely to blow it because “you messed up anyway.”

Yesterday, I fasted again. No problem, just drank my teas and read books. I was offered cake and I declined.

Today, I drank my juice and it’s already mid-day, I’m feeling great and I’ll be busy all day.

I’ve started exercising too ^^

I think I’m really getting somewhere – I’m feeling confident.

Friday’s the big weigh in. Then I’ll know what I’m up against.

No matter what the scale says – I’m getting back to 53!

This winter, I will be her.

Fuck.

It’s Sunday and in about 5 days I’m going to weigh myself for the first time in, possibly, a year.

I set so many goals since last year and failed miserably, this time it’s NOT happening!!

They say you got to take the good with the bad, well…

Good:

1. I just finished a 1-day fast
2. I cleaned up the house
3. I made a work-out plan
4. I thought up a diet

Bad:

1. I just had to borrow clothes from my mother (love her to bits, but she’s not the skinniest).
2. Looked in the mirror and saw… myself – not looking too hot.
3. I’m fat
4. I’m fat
5. I’m fat (yes, that counts for three)
6. I’m probably not going to reach my goal (145) by Friday

I know this because my mom wore those clothes when she was about 165 and there’s no way I can lose 20lbs by Friday!

But I’m not changing my goal yet AGAIN! I’m sticking to 145 and I’ll just see how far I get.

 

Also, I’m going to start taking better care of myself, make-up, accessories, all that BS – because even though I look like shit, I could like pretty shit. And I noticed that when I look decent, I’m less likely to fail at my diet.

 

But, to end on a happy note – at least the 1-day fast worked out :D

 

Play for this week:

• Monday – juice
• Tuesday – fast
• Wednesday – juice
• Thursday – fast

So to more fasts to go. Now for some optimistic math!

On a fast, I lose about 3lbs and with juice, no more than 1, so the most I could lose in these for days is: 8lbs and assuming I’m 155 (which is really optimistic, but yeah…), I could be 147 by Friday, which isn’t too bad. It should be possible, because when your this fat, you should lose wait quickly.

Fingers crossed and lips sealed – that’s how I’m getting through this week.

xxxx

Rozy

When are you at your most binge-prone?

Yesterday, I beat my binge-prone moment without even meaning to.

I was kind of nervous because I was going on a date in the afternoon, so I didn’t eat in the morning (which is never a problem for me, because I never binge in the morning) – the whole day I was hiking around (no food in the outdoors!). And when I got back, I already started having those non-constructive thoughts: “You walked around all day, you can eat today – whatever you want! You’ll start tomorrow.” And I was just about to give in, but once I got back to my place, I remembered I only had fruit!

Every inch of my body was aching (somebody’s seriously out of shape…) and I thought about going out to get food, but then I felt the pain again and thought “Fuck that!”, I ate some fruit and fell asleep without binging!
So yay for that :)


TIP: So, if your most binge-prone moment is in the evening when you get home, like me, then only have safe foods in your house and exercise like mad before you get home so that you’re too tired to go get binge-food.

Much love,
Rozy

She obviously beat the binge...

Don’t think; just move

That’s what I’ve got to remember. Everyone has their own weakness. Everyone has their own way of failing. And mine is by thinking. I am, by nature, a thinker. I am, also, by nature, selfish. And unfortunately my selfishness is still at quite a primitive stage.

When I see food I’m not supposed to eat, I start thinking. Not of how I shouldn’t eat it, or how it’s bad for me, but of ways/excuses that I can eat it. I’m selfish in a way that I can satisfy my immediate desire, which of course does not serve me in the long run.

From tomorrow, no more thinking, no more excuses – JUST FUCKING SAY NO!

SALADS AND FRUIT. Stick with it.

Xxx

Rozy

Tough start but great motivation

It's nearing the end of my first day of fasting, still about 6 hours before I go to sleep, but yeah, ever the optimist, right?

There's cake downstairs and I WANT IT!!! SO BAD!!! I looked at it but quickly ran back upstairs - I'm not screwing up this time. I have photographic evidence of why I should stay the fuck away from baked treats and it's not pretty.

I'm going to start fasting every other day because the first day is always the easiest for me and then I don't feel completely deprived. Long fasts just always fail with me but I don't want to eat every day.

I took a pic of my (gross) body yesterday and I'm taking one again on the 8th of October, when I'm going to weigh myself again, and then I'll post them as my first before and after. I actually really don't know how much I weigh now, but it's better that way...

I'm going to watch some movies now, because I'm just plain braindead when I don't eat (I'd venture to say I'm always braindead, but I don't wanna be too harsh on myself, hahah, yeah right...)

Peace x
Rozy

About a year and a half ago, I reached my goal weight of 100lbs at 5'7.

I was pretty, skinny, succesful - but sad and lonely.

I thought Ana had deceived me. 

I thought skinny was stopping me from being happy.

Everyone around me was worried.

They blamed my new skinny self...

and I stupidly, agreed with them.

Now I've gained so much weight I gross myself out and I can't look in the mirror.

Weighing myself makes me suicidal.

But I'll get there again, I'll get back to skinny.

I'm sorry Ana

I'm sorry for thinking you'd forsaken me

I'm sorry for thinkng you made unhappy

I'm sorry for letting go of the reason I hold on

I'm sorry for being away from you for so long

I'm thankful for you staying by my side

This time I'll stand by you with pride

It's me and you against the rest

Together, Ana, we'll be the best.

I'm not going to post my CW until it's in the normal (fat)range again, cause now I'll just cause you guys a cardiac arrest.

Height: 5'7

HW: 165 

LW: 100

CW: too gross to write down

GW 1: 130

GW 2: 120

UGW: 110